I Want My Baby Back!

It's really over, you made your stand

You got me crying, as was you plan

But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters

You take your time

You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes

I'm gonna sing my way away from blue

I'm gonna find another you

when I was your lover

No one else would do

If I forced to find another, I hope she looks like you

and she nicer too

So go on baby

Make your little gate away

My pride will keep me company

And you just gave yours all away

Now I'm gonna dress myself for two

Once for me and once for someone new

I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do

I'm gonna find another you

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I have listened for this song for more than 10 times this morning. This song is sang by John Mayer  (one of my favourite singer). This song absolutely describes how I feel right now. I never thought that this is gonna happen to me. I really don't know what to do now. My heart aches, until I feel like I wanna puke right now. I just want my baby back, somebody has stole my baby.

please, I want my baby back!

There is something that I don't know

Get dirty. Get fucking filthy. Get poor. Get off your ass. Get desperate. Get dangerous. Get vilified. Get productive. Get pro-active. Get started. Get your own life. Get doing something.

ANYTHING!

Because before you know it, you're 40 with kids, a mortgage, and responsibilities that cause your fun to come second. So, before cancer, before children, before 50 hours work weeks, before back and knee problems, before school loans, before you lose your sense of humor...

FIGHT!!

Fight and fuck and run and smile. Smile because the older you get, the less you will. So yes, 

"quit being such a goddamn pussy, because bitching and whining and worry never made anything better!!"

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I read it on my friend's bbm picture. suddenly I felt like : "THIS IS SOOO ME!" where have I been? What the hell was happen to me? errr... I THINK I NEED TO DO SOMETHING. I HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING IN MY LIFE.

It starts now! bismillahirrahmanirrahim, wish me luck!

oohh.. I forgot something, I just don't know what 'something' is...

-___-"

Am I having Major Depressive Episode (again) ??

Yeaap, udah dua minggu lamanya saya berkutat dengan perasaan-perasaan ini :

• I feel BORED most of the time. there's nothing I could do to make this feel go away. Not even buying new shoes or bags. (I think that's bad)
  
• SADNESS. My feelings dominated by sadness. This is nooot me! I'm full of humor kind of person.
  
• LOSS OF INTEREST & PLEASURE. I couldn't enjoy my time at the mall, watching movies, even cooking. Ohhh.. Ohh.. Ohh... what is wrong with me?
• ANGER. Sometimes I feel angry to my partner for nothing. I just want to release that anger.
• IRRITABILITY. I could be a very nice and charming person to talk to but the next minute I could be a very harsh person. My mood changes easily.
  
• SLEEP PROBLEMS. It's been 2 weeks I haven't experienced any quality sleep. I always woke up in 2 hours. So, I could be awake 4 times in a night. That's exhausted.
  
• CHANGES IN APPETITE. I skiped my daily meals in days without feeling hungry.
• POOR CONCENTRATION. Well, I have this 'thesis' thingy that have to be done as soon as possible but I got problem with concentration. I couldn't stay in front of my laptop for more than 3 hours. Or reading (thing that I love the most) any book for more than 10 pages.
  
• WORTHLESSNESS & GUILT. Here's what I thought : I haven't accomplished anything in my life. What should I do? Do I make my mom and dad proud? Do I make my partner happy? I feel sorry for what I have and I haven't done so far. Sometimes I feel there's huge guilt inside me.
  
• RESTLESSNESS & FATIGUE. I feel restless and fatigue all the time that make me slow in movement and thinking. Geez! this drives me craaaazy!!

Oh, What happen with me? Karena penasaran, gue lalu membuka sebuah buku pedoman gue sebagai anak psikologi (yeaa, DSM IV-R). Gue yakin bahwa gejala yang gue rasakan sekarang pasti tertulis jelas sebagai gejala-gelaja yang muncul dalam salah satu kelainan mood. Benar saja, gejala-gejala saya ini tertulis dalam gejala pada 'Major Depressive Disorder' (MDD). Sebenarnya masih banyak lagi gejala yang lain, namun saya rasa gejala yang saya rasakan sudah cukup deh untuk mendiagnosa diri saya sekarang bahwa saya sedang mengalami major depressive episode. (Oh, perlu diingat.. karena saya belum lulus sebagai sarjana psikologi, maka kemampuan saya untuk mendiagnosa gejala kelainan tertentu patut untuk dipertanyakan! hehe..) Tapi insting saya sendiri mengatakan bahwa saya bener-bener lagi ngalamin yang namanya major depressive episode.

Menurut yang saya baca (http://www.depression-help-for-you.com/major-depressive-disorder.html), sebenarnya MDD biasa disebut sebagai 'the common cold of psychiatric disorders'. Kenapa demikian? Karena sebenarnya MDD ini adalah sebuah keadaan yang bisa datang dan pergi sesuka hati. Biasanya gejala seperti ini berlangsung selama 9 bulan atau bahkan sampai hitungan tahun (mampus gue.. semoga jangan sampe selama itu lah!!). Penyebab MDD itu ada banyak, sama halnya seperti penyebab kelainan-kelainan psikologis lainnya, MDD memiliki penyebab yang multifaktor. Beberapa peneliti sepakat bahwa penyebutan 'faktor penyebab' kurang tepat, karena memang belum jelas apa yang menjadi penyebab MDD ini. Akhirnya lebih tepat apabila disebut sebagai 'hal-hal yang berkontribusi'. Hal-hal yang menjadi kontribusi munculnya MDD di antaranya adalah kejadian yang menimbulkan trauma mendalam, kehilangan orang yang dicintai, dan stresor lainnya misalnya tumbuh dalam keluarga yang bermasalah, kemiskinan, perang, dan lain-lain.

Sekarang, saya sedang bingung bagaimana caranya supaya major depressive episode ini cepat selesai. Saya mulai berpikir untuk menghadap salah satu dosen saya di fakultas, namun rasanya malas sekali. Tetapi kejadian seperti ini sudah terjadi berulang and I think I need to see a professional to handle this. (tapii.. tapii... tapiiii.. malu rasanya dateng ke psikolog!)

"Hemm.. kalo orang Indonesia seperti saya semua, yang merasa malu untuk datang ke psikolog dan menceritakan masalahnya... kapan profesi psikolog mau maju ya? " (padahal itu cita-cita saya!)